Mr. J, a Former Professor Series – Entry 46: The Two Things That Didn’t Leave a Bad Impression
And Everything Else That Did
In one café—where social gestures often double as covert contests of status—I shook hands with an older woman. A light handshake, just enough to fulfill basic politeness.
But she, seemingly accustomed to turning niceties into social leverage, laughed and said loudly in front of everyone:
“Why so soft? Let’s do that again.”
That was the moment I realized: some handshakes aren’t greetings—they’re tests of submission.
I complied, as requested. But in my mind, a label was already clear: performative friendliness, veiled coercion.
And the man I was with? He stood there smiling—saying nothing.
That handshake moment taught me that silence can be the loudest betrayal — a lesson I would recognize again and again.
Sometimes, a handshake tells you more about a man than a hundred poems ever will.
People are rarely all good or all bad. Even someone who turns out to be an abuser might have moments that don’t immediately leave a terrible taste in your memory. But let’s get one thing clear: having a few “neutral” points does not erase the violence or the rot.
There are exactly two things about Pat Johnston that did not leave a bad impression on me.
Not being jealous when I chatted with strangers (but… there’s a catch)
He didn’t get mad if I made small talk with waiters, drivers, or random people — as long as he was there.
That’s just basic courtesy, not some exceptional virtue.
But here’s the problem: when he wasn’t present, he became agitated, controlling, and started behaving in ways that signaled deep insecurity. So the so-called “openness” was conditional. His tolerance was simply a controlled permission slip, not genuine trust.
Introducing me to certain books on politics and social dynamics
He gave me a few titles that opened my eyes to the political and economic implications of reproductive rights, especially in the U.S. context.
Yes, those books shaped a part of me. But let’s be real: that was just a small spark.
I did the heavy lifting. I stayed up at night reading them. I integrated those ideas into my worldview. I made further questions to deepen and sharpen the analysis.
He gave me a few keywords. And I built a library from that.
Everything else? Ugly. Violent. Pathetic.
Let’s talk about the ADHD remark.
He claimed I had ADHD (without medical diagnosis) and used that as a reason to tell me I shouldn’t have children.
Not because I would harm them. But because he decided that “ADHD people” couldn’t handle the pressure.
First of all, I haven’t even been formally diagnosed. Second, even if I were — who is he to decide whether I can or cannot become a mother?
This wasn’t advice. It was symbolic violence — a direct attack on my dreams and autonomy.
It was never about protecting me. It was always about controlling the narrative of who I could become.
My growth today is the refusal to be back to the person who step on my dignity. My growth today is on me. It is the version of me that refused to be written into his narrative.
And from these experiences, I started to design a clearer checklist for anyone who wants to be in my life.
Image Credit:
Photo cover by The frolicsome Fairy via Unsplash
Read the full series
- Entry 1: The Man Who Taught Me Ethics by Failing All of Them
- Entry 2: The Disappearance of the Public Poet
- Entry 3: The Hanging Tree Case Study
- Entry 4: Hidden Like Accountability
- Entry 5: The Collapse of Assumptions
- Entry 6: The Ethics of a Tinder Bio
- Entry 7: How He Ate Told Me Everything
- Entry 8: What Makes a Scholar Dangerous
- Entry 9: Fragment of Life, Fragment of Accountability
- Entry 10: Anatomy of Disappointment
- Entry 11: Legal Defense Challenges: A Framing Statement
- Entry 12: Six Years After Ronell – What Academia Still Doesn’t Get
- Entry 13: QUT and The Man Who Raped Me
- Entry 14: Why Sarcasm Toward Institutions Can Backfire
- Entry 15: P*ssy or Toxic Masculinity?
- Entry 16: Who is Your Favorite Comedian?
- Entry 17: And What is Your Favorite Song?
- Entry 18: Grant Proposal — Narrative Ethics as Survivor-Led Forensics
- Entry 19: The Coward Behind the Clone
- Entry 20: [URGENT HIRE] CRISIS COMMUNICATIONS SPECIALIST
- Entry 21: [URGENT] Legal Counsel Needed for Complex Reputation Rehabilitation
- Entry 22: YOU’RE AN ABUSER. STOP CONTACTING ME
- Entry 23: Seeking Counsel for a Fallen Academic
- Entry 24: Internal Legal-PR Briefing
- Entry 25: For Journalists – Legal & Ethical Clearance Summary
- Entry 26: Symbolic Prostitution, Transactional Intimacy, or Just a “Loan”?
- Entry 28: Why He Simply Cannot Shut Up
- Entry 29: Forensic Commentary on “LARGE Language Muddle”
- Entry 30: Don’t Just Threaten My Future. Because I’m Going To Archive Your Present
- Entry 31: Open Letter to the Person Who Tried to Break Me with Defamation
- Entry 32: Defamation, Harassment, Doxxing Class 101
- Entry 33: Confidential Crisis Recovery Proposal
- Entry 34: Forensic Behavioral-Somatic Report
- Entry 35: Forensic Commentary on the Tattoos
- Entry 36: QUT and the Abuser They Once Had
- Entry 38: When Poetry Becomes Revenge Porn
- Entry 40: A Man Built for Applause, Not Accountability
- Entry 41: Neurobehavioral Addendum
- Entry 43: Why Does It Sound Like a War Metaphor?
- Entry 44: Forensic Commentary on Racialized and Fetishizing Language in “Hidden Like Rice”
- Entry 45: Public Misuse of Former Academic Affiliation
- Entry 46: The Two Things That Didn’t Leave a Bad Impression (you are here)
- Entry 47: When Affection is Just an Alibi (A Bundy-Inspired Reflection)
- Entry 48: Humbert, Lolita, and the Fetish of Fragility
- Entry 49: The Fetish of Smallness as Symbolic Violence
- Entry 50: Motif Risk Analysis
- Entry 52: Can an Abuser Be a Good Father?
- Entry 53: Who Protects the Children?
- Entry 54: From Blackmail to Children
- Reflection: The Miscalculation
(More entries coming soon)
→ [Back to Start: Introducing Mr. J, a Former Professor Series]
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